6:25am

My supposed 'waking up time' is in less than an hour. I didn't sleep this dawn at all. Should i feel bad? The part of me that wants to please others all the time will feel bad. This is not what they expected of me. But lately my rebellious thinking has become my friend, perhaps rebellious is an inaccurate word. Realistic i like to use. I am myself. It happened sometime in the course of this dawn, but the unconscious recognition of myself as an individual sufficed. I am not here, to please people and make them laugh, and forget myself. I am here to be me. I am not here to wear clothes like other people and have a generic hairstyle and talk like other people so they feel common with me. I am here to add a different texture to this earth that so many others in post-modern times lack the knowledge of. What we have here nowadays, in my opinion, is not a diverse range of different fashions interlaced into a humble community. It is a mindless clump of mindless casualties driven by the government and the 'not' past to succeed because success, they believe, is the key to winning life. I don't intend to ever wholly grasp life, twirling it in my fingers while it lays on my palm. I merely want to choose where i go for every tiny turn that appears on the path of my existence. I want to feel (have real, personal feelings) and make decisions based upon these feelings and not rather what the world expects me to decide. This whole post is not to prove that i am an eccentric-minded outcast but rather a passively sad ramble on how dull the worldly mood of everyone's passion is nowadays. I wish art, nature, feeling, real beauty and understanding of differences upon this gloomy world. My wishes are in vain though and i am bitter and also i am waiting for the extent of my lack of sleep to kick in any minute now perhaps in the coming hour which is the time i supposedly 'wake up'.